Monthly Archives: September 2016

How If Mom Hates Your Boyfriend

Dear Bridestory, I feel like I am stuck between my mom and my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now. He treats well and we have a great relationship together. But, the weird thing is that my mom dislikes him and always talks so badly of him. She never took a liking to him from the beginning but for some reason her dislike has been increasing over time no matter how hard we try to change her feelings. My boyfriend has been so sweet towards her and has never done anything disrespectful so; I’m not really sure what her problem is with him. I am starting to feel insecure and wonder whether it’s just me that’s blind here? – ConfusedDaughter

Dear ConfusedDaughter,

First of all, it can be the most uncomfortable and almost painful situation to be in when you are very happy with your partner but your parent/parents aren’t. You mom’s opinion of your boyfriend is clearly important to you otherwise you wouldn’t get so worried or confused about it. And it also sounds like you and your boyfriend have been trying to change her mind overtime hoping that she will take a liking to him but nothing seems to be working. However, there doesn’t seem to be any clarity from either you or your mom about this situation. You may have tried to change her mind overtime but perhaps what you need is to have a proper one-on-one talk with her about this issue.

It is important to have a conversation with her to clarify some things. It helps to ask her straight up why she has not been the biggest fan of your boyfriend. Ask her to give you clear reasons and let her know that the only reason you are asking is so that you can try to find a way to fix the situation. Communicate to her how important her opinion is for you and that her disliking your boyfriend has not been easy for you to handle. If she could give you concrete reasons as to why she isn’t happy with him for instance, the way he treats you (in her eyes), the way he is with himself (lack of ambition, unclear career path, unhealthy relationship with his family, etc.) or the way he is with her then this gives you a way to change some things for the better.

However, if your mom dismisses your question and does not want to answer or her answers are quite irrelevant then there might be something else that is triggering her dislike. If your boyfriend has done nothing wrong and is someone that your mom should technically like then he might just be a trigger for deeper issues your mom may have. It might be possible that she is jealous of you – seeing how a great guy can treat you so well. Or she might even feel insecure about herself and therefore is projecting it onto you – perhaps she is afraid that your boyfriend might hurt you the way another guy hurt your mom. Either way it is important to get things straight and if the problem is in fact with your mom then you have every right to stay with your boyfriend and not let your mom’s issues ruin your relationship.

Parents tend to be emotionally reactive and as a child it is easy for you to be overly influenced by it. However when your parent/parents are the ones verbally abusing you and trying to control you by hurting those you love then that is something you should not allow to happen.

How If He Still Has Feeling with His Ex

Dear Bridestory, I’m feeling so confused and worried right now. My boyfriend and I had a conversation not so long ago about his ex-girlfriend. And long story short – the conversation ended up into him telling me how he still has feelings for her. I was so shocked and of course very hurt by it. We didn’t talk about it further because I simply shut down after that. I’m so worried! What does this mean? Does he still want to be with her? Is this normal? Please, help!” – WorriedGirlfriend

Dear WorriedGirlfriend,

First of all, it must be really difficult to hear something like that. No one likes to hear about his or her partner’s past in general but then to hear that they still have feelings for their ex is a whole other level of confusion. It is understandable why you would want to shut down after your boyfriend told you that however, doing this will only result in you losing the chance to really understand the truth behind these “feelings” he still has. Shutting down and not communicating with your boyfriend regarding your feelings about this whole thing will only create distance and more confusion in your head. So, the first piece of advice you should consider is in actually talking to him about this further. It may not be the easiest thing to do and it may scare you however, it is necessary if you want to continue the relationship and have a future with him.

The reason why a conversation needs to happen is in order to get some things cleared out. It can be one of the most confusing things to know that your boyfriend still has feelings for someone else but at the same time still be with you romantically. You can end up feeling like you are sharing his heart with someone else. If all you know is that he “still has feelings” this could drive you insane with what that sentence even means. Like you said yourself, you are questioning whether he still wants to be with you or not or if it means he wants to be with his ex if he had the chance. Confronting him about this will help you find the answers rather than simply assuming things. What he said could mean all sorts of things including the fact that he may simply have fond memories but not have the desire to get back with his ex.

It is important to consider the fact that his ‘feelings’ may represent something else, instead of from a romantic standpoint. Depending on how he left things with his ex, there could still be underlying anger or resentment there, which he may confuse as “feelings”. Or he may simply have happy memories about his ex, which again he may confuse as “still having feelings”. The point is to understand the meaning behind what he said rather than just taking it for what it is. He may not even understand his feelings fully either so it will do a lot of good getting this cleared up so this does not create any misunderstandings.

Your boyfriend has the responsibility to communicate what he meant by what he said to you. If he becomes defensive or gets annoyed at you asking him about it, then this would be an unfair reaction towards your feelings. Furthermore, if after speaking to him further about it, he shows that he does in fact still has romantic feelings for his ex and still wants something to happen in the future then, of course, take this as a big red flag. You should not be his second option – you should always be his first. And if the shoes were on the other side – this too would hurt your partner. Whatever happens – it is important to be sensitive to each other’s feelings. Perhaps your partner needs to learn to be more careful with what he shares with you – if it is going to cause you pain or make you feel worried. If there really is nothing there to be worried about then he should be able to comfort you and reassure you that his “feelings” does not mean anything.

Tips To Dealing With An Unsupportive Boyfriend

Being in a marriage, you hope to grow old with your partner and that inevitably comes with some changes. Neither you nor your partner will stay the same forever. One of you might one day want to take up something new – be it a new hobby, a different career or even a new lifestyle. But, what if your partner isn’t supportive of what you want to do? What if, for some reasons, he appears to be against this new thing you want to experience?

It can be one of the most difficult things in the world having your partner not be on your side. It’s hard enough to take up something unknown to yourself but to not have the support of the one person you expected to be your number one cheerleader, can really take a toll on your relationship. How do we handle an unsupportive partner? Below are 5 things to take into consideration when you feel you are in this situation.

1. Understand that you may have differences in how you show support. Before you do anything, it helps to take into consideration the fact that you both may simply have differences in how you show support. We all have our own primary love languages and if the love language you have is different to your partner’s then you both may clash in showing support as well. First thing’s first, is to pay attention to the ways he does show his love/support – is it through act of service or does he show it through his words? Be aware of your own needs as well when it comes to support and see whether or not your partner has been serving your needs or not.

2. Let your partner know how you feel. For all you know, your partner may have zero ideas or clues that lack of support has really caused you stress or discomfort. Instead of jumping into conclusions or accusing your partner of not being supportive, it helps if you have a conversation with him simply letting him know how you have been feeling lately. Focus on how you feel in regards to how he has been behaving or speaking lately, which may have caused you to feel that he was being unsupportive. It helps to start by saying, “I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but…” or “I know you probably had the best intentions at heart, but…” This way your partner won’t get defensive and he will be much more able to understand where you are coming from.

3. Let him know clearly what type of support you need from him. Sometimes your partner may simply not understand what it is that you need from him when it comes to support. Men cannot read minds and so often women expect them to already know what to do or what to say without them having to be told. However, if you want your partner to be able to help and support you – you need to let him know what you want very clearly. If it is his words of support that mean the most to you then tell him that. If it is he helping you in your journey to a new experience then tell him that. Let him know that his gesture would mean the world to you and you would appreciate it so much. The more specific and clear your needs are to him the more he will be able to actually cater to them.

4. Ask yourself: Are you expecting too much from him? As much as you may need support from your partner, it helps to also check yourself and see whether or not what you are asking from him may be too much. Sometimes, you may want to do something, like taking up a new hobby or starting a new diet, but because you are feeling unsure about it yourself, you may then project that onto your partner. Making you feel like your partner should be supporting you way more than usual because you happen to be struggling a little bit. Remember that it isn’t your partner’s responsibility to make you happy or consistent with what you want to do. The control should be with you, not him.

5. Think about it: Are you supportive of him also? When your partner tends to be unsupportive of the things you want to do, it helps to ask yourself if you are also supportive of him? Your partner may have some underlying resentments towards you due to previous times when you may have been unsupportive of what he wanted to do in the past. Support must happen both ways – if you want to receive it on a regular basis regardless of what you want to do then you must be willing to do the same to your partner. Otherwise, it starts to become lopsided when only your partner does the supporting whilst you don’t.

If after all the discussion and letting him know exactly what it is that you need from him as well as being supportive yourself but your partner is still being unsupportive then take this as a bit of a red signal. An unsupportive partner will bring insecurities and fears thus affecting your confidence. If he cannot at least try to support you in work and in life generally, it is time to rethink the relationship.